Respectful communication within a community can sometimes be a tricky, complex issue. Everyone having a different perspective on what it sounds like, looks like, etc. There are a number of different models out there for peaceful communicating (Compassionate Listening, Active Listening, etc.). Here at PTEV, we have chosen Nonviolent Communication as our starting point. It doesn’t mean that this model is the only one that we use to resolve conflicts or deal with difficult issues; we utilize a number of different group facilitation techniques. It does mean that we are committed to practicing and using this model with each other whenever it is appropriate.
The following has been excerpted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion,
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, pp 1-7.
Introduction
What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?
While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to communicating—speaking and listening—that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it—to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart. While we may not consider the way we talk to be "violent", our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for ourselves or others.
NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. It contains nothing new; all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In exchange we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in a given situation.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
The NVC Model
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of our consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four components of the NVC Model.
Observation—the concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being
Feeling—how we are feeling in relation to what we are observing
Needs—the needs, values, desires, etc. that are creating our feelings
Request—the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
First we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. The fourth component address what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.
Thus part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others.
Expressing honestly through the four components
Receiving empathically through the four components
